GRIEVING THE LIVING

Grieving is a tough thing when you lose someone in the finality of it but it’s also tough when you have someone who is still alive, yet no longer in your life. Have you dealt with this? It can happen in many relationships whether romantic, friendships, neighbors, or even family members.

It hurts when you realize you are not as important to someone as you thought you were. The sadness is consuming and manifests itself at strange times. You will soon realize that life is peppered with reminders of that person. You hear a joke or make a new recipe with that person’s favorite foods and your first instinct will be “So and So will love this!”, and then you quickly remember that you are no longer speaking. Cleaning out your closet you will find a scarf or other item that person bought you for one of those holidays or just because moments, as you always knew what the other loved, and for a second, you will be overcome with a sense of loss. 
Got some good news to share? A secret to spill? An inside joke that you’re dying to laugh at? You turn and are left with the gaping doorway now, a giant hole. Instead of the familiar you are left with… nothing. You also quickly realize how many of your greatest memories now feel tainted and cause you pain. We trust that person with our secrets and share with them our silliest of memories, so when they leave, they seem to take those with them. Losing someone, who at one time, a very long time, was a constant in your life is difficult. It’s lonely. It’s cold and it’s dark. 


Several months back, I found myself trying to cope with such a loss. I found myself crying at odd times and in odd places, my stomach was a mess and I realized, I was in disbelief, I was grieving and I wondered how I could mourn someone who is still alive? The ache of missing someone who is very much alive, or the realization that you must retrain your brain and rid yourself of the memory reflex that tries to constantly direct you to where your loved one once was is real. 



Drifting apart and sudden loss are two different things. Drifting apart can happen for many reasons, is gradual and you both kind of get it. But sudden abrupt loss when you're unsure exactly of the “why” stings to your core!! Misunderstandings, miscommunications, regrets or anger over a change in a situation can cause the relationship to come to an abrupt halt. At least when you know why, you can gain understanding, grow from it, deal with it and move on. This often happens in romantic relationships when there’s a break up and whether you agree with it or not, you get it. However, sometimes it cuts even deeper to grieve that person when there’s just big question marks in the way.



I don't want to go into too much detail personally on this as I am a very private person but I know many of you can relate so I thought it was important to tell you that you're not alone. When a relationship is lost, a bit of magic is lost, and the cold and lonely reality of what’s left – and what’s gone – demands acceptance, healing, and grief. Let yourself grieve, Let yourself cry. The ache in your heart and soul is real, is true and is understandable. Please remember this, if you find yourself grieving over the loss of a relationship or friendship that meant the world to you, just like any painful experience, it will get better. You’ll live, you’ll laugh, you’ll still find times where you miss them fiercely, but you’ll make new relationships, new friends, it may strengthen older relationships and you’ll find yourself appreciating the little things even more than you thought you already did. 

HUGS to you all, and an extra one if you have been through what I mentioned here. Have a great week my friends! 


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xoxo

54 comments:

  1. Oh yes, sweet friend, so well said. I can relate on so many points. It does get better and that's important to remember. Sometimes we miss the signs along the way that a relationship is not a healthy one to be in and then these endings come and hurt so much. I'm so sorry for your hurt, love you precious Andrea!!!
    xo,
    Kellyann

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  2. Sending you a virtual hug- these words are powerful, beautiful and so very true- I have been there

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  3. Thank you so much for sharing your heart in this post. I had this happen to me several years ago with someone I had been friends with for many years. She just stopped talking to me and would ignore me if she saw me in a crowd. I tried to find out what happened, but never figured it out. Now she is a little friendlier to me, but I always wonder what happened to make her so upset with me! I'm sorry this happened to you too. <3

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  4. Hugs! It is hard to drift away from somebody you were close to. Unfortunately it seems some relationships have their season and though it's hard, maybe the next season will be even better! Stay warm today sweet friend! xoxox

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  5. Andrea, Kellyann directed me to your post as I addressed a very similar topic on my blog today. I had to end a friendship because too many boundaries were crossed and blurred and I completely lost myself in a weird series of strange manipulations that occurred over years of friendship. When I discovered all that had been happening, I was completely heart broken and nearly destroyed by the deception. While I made the choice to end the friendship as a self-preservation tactic, there was still a mourning process and constant reminders still haunt me 8 months later. I had no idea the process would take so long. But I am grateful for your post because it makes me realize I am not alone in such a struggle. Thank you for sharing.

    Shelbee
    www.shelbeeontheedge.com

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  6. I have and am still in that same boat. Talking and laughing one day and then next day, gone. I think almost daily what have I done to cause this and I cant figure it out. A couple friends and a couple family. Its the family cut that burns the most. I see them on holidays and they act normal but throught the year they chose to keep me out of there life at all measures. Im confused and my pillow is stained.
    Lisa

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    1. I too have family members who are like this. A sister! So sad. Reading about others makes my pain and sadness more bearable (?) for lack of better words but knowing I am not alone in this!

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  7. I very much can relate to this as I have been working through a situation like this over the last few months. It is hard because I know it actually might be better for me in the long run but it is a slow and painful process.

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  8. I'm so sorry that you were dealing with this. I have been in that situation with former friends before and like you said in romantic relationships it's much easier to let things go! Someone else mentioned that all relationships have a season and that's how I choose to think about things! xo, Biana-BlovedBoston

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  9. What a beautiful piece of your heart, Friend. So well said and written. It's just so dang hard! xoxo

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  10. Thank you for opening up a bit of your heart. This hit me because I have/am going through this and have felt alone, like nobody else deals with this. Not that I want you going through it, but it eases the loneliness sometimes when you know others have similar situations.

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  11. Oh how I can relate...or have been able to relate. The sting of the unknown rejection cuts deep and can keep me awake at night. While I struggled with this, I felt the need to begin to thank God for all the things I had with this person...laughter, gifts, time, etc. The more I thanked Him for the time I had and the more I realized that He is in control and allows all things for my good, the more I found peace. There's more but not for the blog-o-sphere. ;) I love you dear friend and I'm so glad you reached out to others during this time...praying for your heart to be at peace whether you receive "closure"/ answers or not (that's the hardest part for me!). And praying that HE will be enough. :)

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  12. You always choose the best quotes, Andrea. And I think that's the advantage of hanging out with older friends, because life throws this at us and we can relate. It seems like it is part of life, even though we don't ask for it.
    Sending the hugest hug ever...
    XOXO

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  13. I feel bad that you're going through this and still dealing with the loss. Writing about it and acknowledging it probably helps and I'm sure you're helping others. I wish you healing and peace my friend.

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  14. Sending all the hugs and love your way sweet friend! Unfortunately, I've been there too and the pain is so real, but it does get better I promise <3
    Green Fashionista

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  15. Sending big hugs. This is a really tough circumstance to navigate. I know all too well as Ive been there. Time. Its the healer for these unfortunate things.

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  16. What a sweet, thoughtful, albeit sad post. I'm so sorry you're going through this, Andrea! I remember going through this myself not long ago and googling stuff about "dealing with a friend break up." It is HARD and there are not the same social guidelines and norms as there are with a romantic relationship breakup. You're right that it does get better with time...good luck on your journey!
    Gina || On the Daily Express

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  17. Wow, I can totally relate. There are a lot of people who used to be in my life who aren't anymore and some of them I definitely still mourn. Thank you for sharing!

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  18. I lost a good friend in 2008 because we didn't travel well together...we were sharing a hotel room and she was hot and I was cold so we disagreed on the thermostat setting; also, we went out to eat and as I was buttering my baked sweet potato, she put her fork in my potato and took a bite - never asked, just did it. I found that rude and commented on it. That was it. Friendship lost. I tried once to make amends but she wouldn't have it. I no longer grieve over this friendship lost but I do think of her every once in awhile and have no hard feelings. I periodically say a prayer for her, and wish I had been less judgmental.

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  19. I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I have definitely experienced the same thing and it just seems to haunt you for quite awhile. But it does get better! 😘🤗

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  20. This is so so real and so well written. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this but I think your post will help others not feel so alone when dealing with this.

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  21. Andrea, Thank you for sharing. You are so right. This is the same situation I have found myself in since moving here and it was so hurtful. I think it's hard not to be bitter to when it's a living loss. You are such a precious person! Love you friend!!! XOXO

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  22. I think so many can totally relate to this. My heart aches that my long time best friend & I no longer are connected. & you're right, there is grieving with the living & I had never thought of that before.

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  23. Oh Andrea, my heart hurts for you reading this! I have a feeling you might have mentioned this friend before, and I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. In some respects, leaving Army friends each duty station is like this, so I understand that pain. But please know I'm sending you love and hugs and light <3

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  24. Sending hugs to you! It's definitely a tough pill to swallow when you lose someone due to miscommunication, misunderstandings, or whatever the reason. I can definitely relate to your pain and grief as it happened to me a few years ago with a girl friend that I shared so many good times with. I do miss her but, looking back, she was a toxic person and it was probably for the best. xoxoxo

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  25. El año pasado una persona que consideraba mi amiga se enojó conmigo por no estar de acuerdo en su actitud en una situación que le estaba pasando, nos enojamos y hasta la borre de mi teléfono y Wasapt pero en enero la llamé para sanar un poco el mal entendido, aunque hablamos y quedamos otra vez según yo con la amistad, ella si no soy yo que le mando un mensaje o la llamo no se digna en hacerlo ..Así que me dije sino se puede solucionar el mal entendido mejor dejarla atrás, ya que según ella, su personalidad es así. Ni modo perdí alguien que consideré mi amiga...

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    1. Gracias por compartir eso conmigo dulce Shirley!

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  26. I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for writing about a painful subject. Visiting you from txtanya's link up. laurensparks.net

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  27. Very well said! It does get better with time, but still so hard! Have a great week, friend!

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  28. Oh Andrea I have so been here before. It’s really really tough to process and grieve and handle the emotions. One day at a time is my best advice. Sending you the biggest hug sweet friend. I adore you and am always here to lend an ear and virtual hug. Love you so much!

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  29. I can relate on so many levels! It's really hard to get closure from a relationship if you have no clue why it ended!! I've had friends ghost me like this and I wish I just knew why. If it was my fault at least I could learn and be a better friend to others in the future, but the wondering is what really kills you. I am so sorry you went through that. It's tough!!

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  30. I recently went thru this and wow this was a great post to read today. My best friend of 40 some years is no longer in my life. We had been gradually drifting apart (we live in different states) but last August it seemed that (thru emails) we were no longer friends. It has been rough because she was the one I called when I was happy, sad, wanted to share etc. Losing friendships in our 50's is hard. Thank you for this today. It s good reminder that I am healing. xo

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  31. Such a raw, personal, and real thing to share - I so admire this! I'm sure this post resonated with so many. It happens much more often than people know, I think. I pray you continue to find peace!

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  32. This is a great post today! I know exactly what your talking about. I’ve had 2 majors looses in my friendship life. One just quit talking to me after years of being friends. The other was my very dearest bestie who passed away. I’m still working on that one even though it’s been 2 years. Hugs,

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  33. I'm sorry you've experienced this. Friendships can be so tough, even as we get older!

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  34. This is so well said. I've been through this and it hurts, especially when you have no idea why. But you're right, eventually the pain wears off and you'll have new relationships and friendships! Hugs to you!

    Jill - Doused in Pink

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  35. Oh Andrea, I love this so much! I actually have been walking through this exact thing for the past year and it has been HARD!I have even had to go to counseling to get advice on how to handle certain situations and to check that I am doing things right. I admire this post and something I have learned this year is that it is ok to cut strings with people, and feelings are ok. I love your heart and I loved reading this today. It really hits close to home!

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  36. You have such a wonderful heart Andrea! Thank you for sharing this, it's something we all go through and the feelings can be all over the place. Sending light and love for you friend!

    Amanda @ Cupcake N Dreams

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  37. All of this is so true. You read my snippet of my story recently and even though I have moved on to a much better man, I still grieve so much for that relationship because it was amazing until it wasn't and I still don't know exactly why. I am sorry you have had to deal with this as well. I wish we could all be nice and kind to each other all the time like you are!

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  38. It is soo hard to lose someone in your life...especially when they are alive, but chose to not be a part of your life anymore. It is hard when you used to spend a lot of time with someone and then they are gone for one reason or another. Drifting part is different because you can reconnect. But when its deeper, it is hard.

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  39. This happened to me way back when I was in my late teens and it was a really rough time for me. I'm so sorry that you're going through it, too. Prayers for speedy healing for your heart. You're such a kind soul and I can't even imagine someone being upset with you!

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  40. I know about that, but luckily it recovered. And now we are very happy that our friendship is better then before.

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  41. Ahh friend...so sorry for your grieving. I usually try to remind myself in some of these situations it is more about the other person than about me personally.

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  42. Oh definitely! It has made me a bit more leery of who I let into my life and by how much too.

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  43. Been there. These are beautiful truthful words. I find this stuff so so hard and went through a lot of this last year. Big hugs Andrea.

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  44. You hit the nail on the head with this one. It was written to beautifully, and really touched on how going through that can feel!

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  45. Thanks for sharing this inspirational post at our Cooking and Crafting with J & J.
    Have a nice week.
    Julie

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  46. Beautiful post Andrea. I recently dealt with this and can relate. It really does leave you very confused and though I can say I am a better person for it, I still don't understand how one minute it can be the best moment and the next it's the most painful. Sending you a big hug as well Andrea. I hope your week is going well so far and happy Wednesday!

    Maureen | www.littlemisscasual.com

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  47. Hugs back to you. So coincidence because this morning I was thinking about how my husband and I have been talking about moving out of California and I have a sister that is planning the same thing. I was thinking about how over the years, we grew a little apart and now I hardly see my family as we are always so busy doing other things. It made me sad and then I read your post. Thanks for that virtual hug.

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  48. Andrea that one really hit a nerve. I too have lost someone abruptly and some days it can be such a struggle to just get through the day. Sending hugs back!

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  49. Thank you so much for posting this. I know that it was probably hard to do. I hate confrontation so I try to avoid that but I am in the process of cleaning a bit of house when it comes to friendships so I will have to do the phaseout approach.

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  50. This is so true. I've seen it happen to my husband. It's the not knowing why that cut him up. You don't get closure.

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  51. Oh, my, the "not knowing" would be so, so tough to deal with. I have never lost a dear friend abruptly but I have lost friends through just merely drifting apart and, as you said, that's entirely different. I'm happy that you have and are continuing to find peace in the situation. All I can say, it sure was their loss, they must not have known what a dear they had. Hugs to you!

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  52. Sending you over big hugs and lots of love. Jacqui Mummabstylish

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